Thoughts
The day almost passed me by.
But it didn’t.
Today marks 4 years since I started down this crazy road of chronic pain and all that comes with it.
It’s a good thing I almost forgot about it. That means it’s not taking over my life anymore. Thank goodness. But I did say almost forgot about it- it’s still something that’s there in my every day life. I’m thankful to be able to say it’s just part of my life and no longer all encompassing or even a burden. I don’t give it much thought and it doesn’t get in the way of anything I want to do anymore. My hands bother me more than my feet, which is a welcome change. I ask a lot of my feet everyday and there’s no getting around it. I can ask for help or come up with another solution when it comes to using my hands.
I’m never going to go as far as to say I’m grateful this happened to me, but now that I’m not in the height of pain I can certainly see the bright side. It feels a little fake to say I’ve been able to accomplish so many things in spite of the pain since I’m not actively racing or even really running right now, but it’s not my feet that’s stopping me this time around. I was able to finish a triathlon, 2 24-hour bike rides {1 while 13 weeks pregnant}, 2 half marathons, an obstacle race, and a handful of other races. That’s pretty good in my book. I was even featured on Fitness Magazine’s The Fit Stop!
Now I’m not running and racing because of other things in life. Good things. I miss it though, and I ache for the day that it’s back in my life. But I got it back once, I’ll get it back again- and there’s much less to overcome this time around. I do have to say, I’m terrified to stop breastfeeding because I’m pretty sure the hormones have something to do with the pain holding off… only time will tell. Until then, my fingers are crossed. As crossed as I can get them anyways. 
Products
Thank you to 2nd.MD for providing me with a $200 stipend to test-drive this revolutionary online medical service.
A few weeks ago I opened my inbox and found an email looking for someone with a personal medical concern or history of medical issues to try out a new service, I nearly fell over in my chair. Yeah, I’d say I have a history of medical concern. 
2nd.md is a way for the average person to have access to top medical specialists without having to wait months for an appointment, having to travel, or even having to leave their home. The service provides online consults through video chat or by phone.
You can search for a specialist by symptom, condition, disease, or specialty, and then select the one that seems most appropriate for your case. If you’re not sure if they can help you, you can send them a brief synopsis and they’ll let you know within 48 hours whether they’re a good match for you.
Once you’ve chosen a doctor, you sign up for an appointment time. The doctor I chose didn’t have any available appointments when I signed it, but I simply sent a request for him to open some up and I was immediately set up with an appointment that was convenient for me.
It was purely coincidence my appointment fell on the day of my 3 year anniversary. {Do you have anniversaries of medical conditions?}
The consults last 20 minutes and cost anywhere from $100-600 {I’m roughly estimating here, don’t quote me}. At first I about choked when I saw that, but it’s actually a pretty good deal when you think about it. I’d owe at least that in insurance fees, and I can guarantee a doctor’s never talked to me uninterrupted for 20 minutes. Not to mention there was no wasted time sitting in a waiting room for a backed up doctor.
I consider myself pretty tech savvy, but I’ve never used my webcam. It was super easy to get everything set up and ready for the appointment- it was pretty much automatically done for me. You also have the option to preload any medical records you may have.
The doctor didn’t have any miracle answers for me {shucks!}, but he did provide a new perspective which is always a good weapon to have in your back pocket. He suggested I double check a couple labs and measurements, recommended a few more I might want to try, and helped brainstorm some alternative treatment ideas.
We also talked about my refusing-to-heal knee and the possibility of it being connected to whatever’s going on with my hands & feet.
Although I was secretly hoping for a mind blowing diagnosis, it was still a good experience. Sometimes you just have this nagging desire to ask a doctor a question and you don’t have that specialist near you or it’s too hard {or too much trouble} to get an appointment. This would be a pretty good option for that type of situation.
It’s not quite the same as a real doctor’s appointment- they can’t touch you to examine you and you can’t skip on down to the lab to get your blood drawn, but it’s an easy way to get a second opinion about a condition or issue you’ve been having. {ALWAYS get a second opinion!!!}
Overall I thought the service was pretty cool, especially as someone who does online counseling. If only I had their technology!
Learn more about 2nd.md with this video.
Don’t miss my 32 week update on tiny sneakers!
Thank you again to 2nd.MD for sponsoring this blog post. Please click here to learn more about 2nd.MD. I was selected for this sponsorship by the Clever Girls Collective. All opinions are my own. #Clever2ndMD #spon
Thoughts
December 6, 2008.
it was 3 years ago, but it might as well have been yesterday. Two of our friends were getting ready to tie the knot.
My best friend and her husband knocked on the door as I slipped into my pink silk party dress and quickly tied the sash. I begrudgingly tugged on my black tights hoping they’d at least do a little something to protect my legs from the biting early winter cold. I stepped into my favorite pair of black heels and we headed out the door.
It was during the lull between the ceremony and the reception that I first noticed something was wrong. I was sitting awkwardly on a grey faux-leather ottoman, trying to be at least somewhat ladylike in my fancy dress. All the 20- something’s had gathered at a friend’s house until it was time to head downtown to continue the celebration. It was then I noticed the front of my left foot bothering me. I surreptitiously slipped out of my heel and rubbed my foot a few times. I chalked it up to an uncomfortable shoe.
Already? I’d barely even walked in my heels yet. I ignored it and continued to get wrapped up in wedding excitement as we piled into a couple cars and headed downtown.
When I woke up the next morning the pain still lingered. “I guess I better get some new running shoes”, I thought to myself. I’d only run three miles the morning of the wedding, but it looked like I might be heading down the path of injury. Not surprising…I’d been putting off getting new shoes for awhile, optimistically holding out until the next pair of my favorite DS trainers were released.
I brushed the dull pain off for a few days and took it easy on my feet, but when it started to bruise I knew this wasn’t something that was going to go away on its own anytime soon. If only I knew then just how long it would be.
Dec 6, 2008. It was the start of a beautiful marriage for our friends; it was the start of a long trying journey for me.
I never forget that it hurts, but it’s become such a part of my life, such a part of me, that I often cease to acknowledge it. It’s just a part of me, like having brown hair and arms that don’t straighten. It’s only when I have to cave in and ask for some help opening a jar of peanut butter or a bottle of water that I remember just how bad it was. I’m so grateful to have gotten past the worst of it, but perpetually frustrated to still be dealing with it.
To slip on shoes and run like a normal person; to tie the laces without difficulty. The things I used to take for granted and never will again.
I still wonder if this is where the story ends- a poorly written cliffhanger that just leaves everything hanging as is; no closure, no sequel, no answers.
I wonder if I’ll be able to hold my baby or change a diaper in the middle of the night when the pain is at its worst.
I wonder if I’ll be able to gather up the courage to run through the pain again, or if getting through it once is all I had in me.
I wonder if it’ll ever go away.
One thing I don’t wonder is where my life would be if this had never happened. As with any major decision or event in life, like choosing which college to go to, the things that come afterward may never have happened otherwise. Without this, I’d probably still take running for granted; I’d probably still be at a job that made me miserable; I’d probably never have signed up for a triathlon; I certainly wouldn’t be blogging.
Good or bad, the things that happen to you in life shape who you are, and pain or not, this is who I am.
Injuries
As the weeks slowly passed, my worst fear started to come to life. Each day I noticed something that was a little harder to do; hurt a little bit more.
Images flashed through my head as I’d try to fall asleep- I’d remember my days of being confined to the corner seat on the couch, the nights of not going out with friends because it hurt to stand, and the worst, the mornings where I couldn’t get my shoes on for a run.
I was terrified that life was about to fly into reverse. Everything I’d worked for, fought through, and overcame was about to disintegrate into a distant memory.
And then one day I realized it’d been a few days since things had gotten worse. I tried not to let myself get hopeful, but then a few more days passed.
Slowly those days turned into weeks, months, and now almost a year. The pain that came back has stuck around, but after those first couple weeks the progression stopped. And stayed stopped.
So here I am almost a year later; there’s some pain, but I’m eternally grateful things never got as bad as they were in the beginning. It still bothers me every day, but not in a way that’s interfering with my life this time. It’s just something that’s a part of me, like being left handed or allergic to peanuts.
It’s made things like running, biking and lifting weights harder, but not impossible this time around. Thank goodness is not a big enough expression.
And if you’re wondering why I’ve voluntarily put myself through this, it’s because babies don’t like Class D pain meds. 
LookBack
The beauty of blogging is you can put forth whatever it is you want to portray.
I try to be honest and put a lot of it out there, but there are some things I don’t.
Like this:
In September I stopped taking my pain medication.
Well, I didn’t just stop- I started the long process of stopping.
What I was taking is known for it’s terrific withdrawal effects- and they weren’t joking. {And by terrific I mean horrific.}
I went to the doctor and asked how to get off it- his explanation seemed reasonable. Cut back to every other day for 7-10 days, then stop taking it. Simple enough.
So in September I did. I skipped my first pill.
Several days later and I was in my own personal hell.
There were daggers in my head and I was an emotional wreck- I was unnecessarily angry & agitated, I was crying at the drop of a hat, and the pain in my head was compounding it all.
It took me awhile to figure out what was going on. When I did, I knew I needed a new plan. Honestly, I was relieved to find out I was in withdrawal- at least it explained what the hell was going on with me. I have new sympathy for drug addicts who just can’t kick the habit. It’s literally a living hell.
So I did hours & hours of research, slowed by the blinding pain in my head, and devised a new plan. I was frustrated to realize I should’ve started weaning off of it months ago- and it should take a year to get off. Well that wasn’t going to work for me, so I compromised. I came up with a plan to slowly decrease my dose every few days. By decreasing quickly, I still went through some withdrawal, but nothing like I had experienced in the first weeks, and nothing I couldn’t handle.
At first I was just excited to be ridding myself of the awful drug. I didn’t want to be on anything that would cause withdrawal at the level of a recreational drug abuser.
I was anxious to see what would happen with the pain..would it return? Would it be gone? Would I be sentencing myself to a life on the couch again?
The first week or so of my new plan was refreshing- sure, I felt like crap, but my pain wasn’t any worse than usual.
Then complete terror struck. xx days into it, I knew the answer. My pain was back. I’d noticed it coming, but I was in denial. I made excuses. I pushed it out of my mind.
Then I was sitting working at my computer and I realized how hard it was to type. I panicked. A quiet panic though. I kept typing, and I kept hoping…
