The beauty of blogging is you can put forth whatever it is you want to portray.

I try to be honest and put a lot of it out there, but there are some things I don’t.

Like this:

In September I stopped taking my pain medication.

Well, I didn’t just stop- I started the long process of stopping.

What I was taking is known for it’s terrific withdrawal effects- and they weren’t joking. {And by terrific I mean horrific.}

I went to the doctor and asked how to get off it- his explanation seemed reasonable. Cut back to every other day for 7-10 days, then stop taking it. Simple enough.

So in September I did. I skipped my first pill.

Several days later and I was in my own personal hell.

withdrawal from pain pills

There were daggers in my head and I was an emotional wreck- I was unnecessarily angry & agitated, I was crying at the drop of a hat, and the pain in my head was compounding it all.

It took me awhile to figure out what was going on. When I did, I knew I needed a new plan. Honestly, I was relieved to find out I was in withdrawal- at least it explained what the hell was going on with me. I have new sympathy for drug addicts who just can’t kick the habit. It’s literally a living hell.

drug withdrawal

So I did hours & hours of research, slowed by the blinding pain in my head, and devised a new plan. I was frustrated to realize I should’ve started weaning off of it months ago- and it should take a year to get off. Well that wasn’t going to work for me, so I compromised. I came up with a plan to slowly decrease my dose every few days. By decreasing quickly, I still went through some withdrawal, but nothing like I had experienced in the first weeks, and nothing I couldn’t handle.

At first I was just excited to be ridding myself of the awful drug. I didn’t want to be on anything that would cause withdrawal at the level of a recreational drug abuser.

pain pills

I was anxious to see what would happen with the pain..would it return? Would it be gone? Would I be sentencing myself to a life on the couch again?

The first week or so of my new plan was refreshing- sure, I felt like crap, but my pain wasn’t any worse than usual.

Then complete terror struck. xx days into it, I knew the answer. My pain was back. I’d noticed it coming, but I was in denial. I made excuses. I pushed it out of my mind.

Then I was sitting working at my computer and I realized how hard it was to type. I panicked. A quiet panic though. I kept typing, and I kept hoping…