I’ve been sitting at my desk since I woke up this morning, staring at the computer screen as I absent mindedly flip between the blank white screen of Windows Live Writer and the taunting registration form for the Columbia Triathlon.

columbia tri registration

{I’m already signed up through a charity team, but I have to make my entry official. By today.}

I thought I’d have a clear cut answer after Saturday’s {awesome} run. But here I am, still wavering.

During and after the race my knee felt great, but I’ve been around the block enough to know that post-race is hardly the time to make an educated decision about an injury. Whether it’s the after-run endorphin high or just delayed-onset pain, I know from experience it’s not how it feels after the run that matters.

It’s how it feels the day after the run that matters.

And frankly, yesterday, as the day went on, my knee started to hurt.

But I was thrown for a loop. Caught off guard. My IT band didn’t hurt. At all. {Victory!!}.

However, my kneecap….that hurt.

To be honest, I was expecting my IT band to be killing me. I was fully prepared for it to hurt…to scream as I walked down the stairs Sunday morning. To tell me exactly what to do about racing. But it didn’t. I didn’t know what to make of my kneecap hurting instead, and I went to bed not knowing what decision I was going to make in the morning.

I still don’t know what decision I’m going to make. My knee feels great today. IT band? Check. Kneecap? Check. All systems go…

Except I still don’t know what I want to do. I know what my brain says and I know what my heart says- only what they’re saying isn’t clear cut; the lines are blurred.

I feel great today, but the what ifs are bothering me. What if I train and I get to 5 miles and I can’t do anymore? What if I train and it all goes well, and then come race day, I can’t do it? What if I have to resign to a DNF? How does that make the people that donated money to the team feel?

And what if I train and it goes fantastic and I get to do the tri I’ve wanted to do since I knew what a tri was?