I Can’t Go There

by tinysneakers

I know I was in the middle of a mega 12 Days of Baby Stuff series, but it just seems so frivolous given recent events.

I’ll finish it, but I just couldn’t do it without saying something. The only problem is, I don’t know what that something is. As unimportant as these things are, they’re still things we’re going to buy and obsess over and get excited about, and that seems so wrong and unimportant right now.

Part of the reason I don’t know what to say is because that would require me to sit alone with my thoughts for a few minutes. The only time I’m alone is at night, when it’s dark and cold, and my baby has gone to sleep. My baby. He takes everything to a whole new level.

I figured out there was news based on my Facebook and Twitter feeds. Normally I’d turn on the news to see what the world was discussing, but something in my gut told me I didn’t want to this time. I tweeted something along the lines of “I don’t know what happened today, but as a parent, I know I don’t want to know.”

And I wish I didn’t.

Because I don’t know how you get past something like that. I’m well aware that this didn’t happen to me, or to my family, or even to anyone I know. But when kids are involved, it’s impossible not to let it affect you. In just the tiniest of ways, it happened to all of us. It says something, something big, about the world we live in. The world my son is going to grow up in.

I kept the news turned off, didn’t click on any links in my social media streams, told the husband I didn’t want to talk about it, and walked right out of the room when the President began his speech.

I tried to ignore what happened. I couldn’t start thinking about it because I didn’t know how I would stop.

And then I put my baby to bed Friday night.

Those parents wouldn’t be putting their babies to bed that night.


They woke up thinking it was a normal day. They sent their kids off to school, went to work or did whatever it is they do, and they didn’t get to put their babies to bed that night.

I can’t go there.

Their presents are probably sitting unwrapped under a Christmas tree. They’ll never be opened. There is nothing ok about this. It doesn’t matter whether it’s about gun control or mental health care or heroes or victims or villains. It’s about hugging our kids tighter and reigning in our patience and not letting the little things get to us. But why do we need a tragedy to make us think and feel those things? Shouldn’t we being appreciating the bigger picture and letting the small things be small things ALL the time?


I can’t go there.

{ 1 comment… read it below or add one }

Jaya December 19, 2012 at 8:24 pm

Heather, even in Canada, we’ve felt the collective heartache and disbelief, and no one seems to be able to discuss it with any sense of reason. It’s hard to put words to these emotions, so maybe the best we can do is to fill our silence with as much love and compassion as we can and send it Eastward, where it’s needed most…


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